Sleepless nights and insomnia

It's 4am and I've given up on *trying* to fall asleep. What triggers the long nights of simply tossing and turning are the mental stress and tiredness. Physical tiredness is always a relief because the outcome is always a good solid sleep but mental tiredness and the millions of thoughts parading through the mind just before bedtime is always the trigger for sleeplessness. I keep telling myself just before bedtime to just not think about anything and keep the mind empty. If one single thought flashes across the mind, the floodgates open and it's too late.

I've read that when you can't fall asleep, just give up and do something whether that be reading(or blogging). There have been so many momentous happenings in my life and I'm also under pressure at work. We are going through huge, structural changes at work in terms of management and ownership and the uncertainty is causing not just myself but a few colleagues, successions of sleepless nights. And if not entirely sleepless, then waking up in the middle of the night and neither options are preferable.

One of my friend works at the head office of a retail company and over twenty of her colleagues were made redundant about three months ago. Recently, one of our friend in the I.T industry was also made redundant along with a few of his colleagues. Our economy is trending towards very uncertain times and although my work is secure, in terms of the future - I can't help being pragmatic and thinking that nothing is guaranteed in this lifetime. I need to be on top of revenue figures to ensure that our company doesn't suffer from any financial strife - staff are dependent on salaries to feed family and kids and we need to be profitable as we head into a tumultous economic and trading environment.

Particularly when we've been going house hunting and the budget may be seven figures. It's gonna be one heck of a mortgage! I lay awake and think about whether to delay buying until we've saved up more versus waiting too long and house prices keep inflating $100k to $200k each year and we get priced out of the market. If we buy too early and the property market is subdued and stable, then it means paying thousands of dollars in monthly interest for nothing. But the adage of buying when you can afford to is always a great adage and that's the way I'm going to jump.

There's just way too much on my mind. The recent trio of deaths and the trio of funerals all within 10 weeks of each other. It feels like someone has repeatedly wrenched my heart like a wet rag. I attended a funeral yesterday and it was such a sad, sad, occasion. I'm dreading attending a dear Aunty's funeral this Friday. Two funerals for this week. I already told my colleague that if he dies from his high blood pressure, I'm not attending his funeral because I've simply had enough of deaths and funerals for a lifetime so he had better not cark it and he then tells me about the sleeping pills that the doctor just prescribed him early this week. We're a bunch of insomniacs these day and I write that wryly.

There's so much to worry about and I'm not usually such a worrywart but these last few days feels like someone has been holding my head underwater and telling me to breath deeply. There's the recent health scare/issue for someone who I dearly love, then the four deaths this year with two funerals this week :( There's the management/ownership/structural transitioning at work and the outcome will mean a few of us shouldering a lot more responsibility and a heavier workload whichever way the penny falls, there's the future impending purchase of a house with a huge, monster mortgage.

I'm also the treasurer of a strata building of which management has recently changed their accounting system and their new reports have been useless in terms of information- I've yet to follow up on the problem and it's one of my responsibilities. There's also another strata that I'm suppose to help my friend analyse their financial report and query the excessive $200k plus ongoing deficit. I've run through the numbers and there's a million questions that I've got running through my mind in terms of poor management. Last thing my friend needs is a huge $10k plus special levy to get them into the black.

And then there's the flurry of weddings that I've attended and will be attending this weekend and the next few weekends. Maybe it's not exactly wise to be posting this all up on the net but can anyone (even future prospective employers or whoever) really criticise me for having human foibles? If writing about everything is going to help me sleep better then I'll take that anyday at this rate.

It's 4.50am now. I may as well do a flurry of writing and then do some research for work before heading into the office. It's too late to go back to bed and roll around again. Anyone who has suffered from sleepless nights know what I'm talking about - firstly you lay on your back then close your eyes, when you don't fall asleep, you roll to one side, when that doesn't work after a few minutes, you try the other side, when that doesn't work after a few minutes, you try sleeping on your belly, face down ...a few minutes or possibly hours later, you give up and try on your back again...repeat rolling routine - when that fails again, you give up and just lie there or you get up and do something useful or something not so useful such as blogging.